Weight Watchers
by The-Reject-Crayon
Summary: When Mustang decided to go on a diet, he just has to drag others down with him. But, hey, there's money involved. Who wouldn't want to compete to see who can lose the most weight? Crack. Au-ish. No pairings.


Alright people! The Reject Crayon is back, with her first Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction!

The plot, you ask? Well, it seems as though some FMA characters want to slim down a bit, and what better way that having their own Weight Watcher's program? The participants: Mustang, Armstrong, 2nd Lt. Breda, Gluttony, Envy, Greed, Sig Cutris, Lin Yao, and King Bradley.

A warning, though. This is based off of the **manga**. Anyone reading this who has only seen the anime (which I thought was like the incarnate of a bad fanfiction) will be very confused. If you're still willing to read this, even if this is the case, then I'll clarify some things if anyone wants me to.

**WARNING**. If you're reading the manga, there will be **spoilers **as well, pertaining to Bradley's identity, Envy's true form, Pride's identity, and perhaps more. I'm going with the current manga here.

**SECOND WARNING**. This is CRACK. Silly stuff. Don't expect them to be completely in character all the time. It's also slightly AU-ish, for example, several characters who are dead will be around, and characters who would never had been able to meet will meet. Just for the fun of it. And I have no idea if they had scales or not, but _they do now_!

Still willing to read it? Good.

Also, since I'm a lazy American, I will NOT be using the metric system to measure their weights. Sorry, I thought about it, but decided to be nice to the other fellow non-metric users out there. (That, or I'm just really lazy.)

I bet you're tired of me talking now, since this introduction is gonna end up just about as long as the chapter itself. Since this is the first chapter, it's more like an introduction. The rest will (hopefully) be longer. At the end of the chapter, I'll tell you all where this idea came from.

Enjoy then~!

* * *

**-Central City-**

**-Colonel Roy Mustang's office-**

It seemed like it would be like any other, normal day in Central. Until…

"That's it! I've made my resolve!"

Everyone turned to look at Roy Mustang, who had suddenly stood up for this announcement. It was Hawkeye who broke the awkward silence.

"Um… Do what, sir?" she asked hesitantly.

Without warning, Mustang stood up on his desk, giving a dramatic pose. There was a simultaneous groan through the room.

"What am I going, you ask? Why, I'm going on a diet so I can attract more women!"

Silence engulfed the room.

"Um, sir…" Hawkeye started, only to be interrupted.

"No, I've had an even better idea! You, my lovely subordinates, are going to do it with me!" Mustang proclaimed happily.

It would seem as though there wouldn't be a normal day in Central for a while…

* * *

**-Central City-**

**-Edward Elric's hotel room-**

"What do you mean I can't join?!?" an outraged voice rang through the hallways of the hotel, causing many curious heads to poke out of their doors. The voice was, of course, coming from Edward Elric's room, where the door was ajar.

His visitor was none other than Colonel Mustang, who had dropped by with the news of his genius plan to lose weight. At Ed's request to join, he had laughed and outright denied him.

"Well, let's see… Should I be honest about it?" Mustang mused, while the young state alchemist fumed. "To put it bluntly, you're just **too small to join**."

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN I'M TOO 'SMALL' TO JOIN YOU GUYS?!?"

Alphonse had to hold back his brother while Ed made futile attempts to drive the fork he had been eating with into Mustang's neck. Mustang simply shrugged, plugging his ears until Ed calmed down.

"Listen, Fullmetal, there's just no way we can let you join. You've hardly got any fat on you. If we let you participate, it would be a danger to your health."

"Oh, so that's it then?" Ed spat, still furious. "I bet you just don't want me to join because you know I'll win. You afraid of me? Coward!"

"Despite the reason, a small, red bean like you can't enter."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BEAN?!?"

"Um, Colonel?" Al asked while he held back Ed once again, "Who else is doing it?"

Mustang thought for a moment. "Well, we don't have a final count yet, since we're waiting to see if any other's will do it, but so far it's me, Major Armstrong, 2nd Lt. Breda, and President Bradley."

"So you're still accepting people?" Al asked, his voice sounding slightly hopeful.

Mustang sighed. "Look, Al, you can't join. You're a suit of armor, and armor can't lose weight. Sorry about that, kid."

"So, what about me?" a voice asked from behind Mustang.

The trio glanced over to see Lin sitting on the couch, grinning at them. Dirty plates were scattered around him, and it was clear that he had just finished the food meant for Ed.

"Who are you?" Mustang asked, slightly surprised.

"WHAT THE HELL? GET OUT OF HERE! STOP FOLLOWING ME!" Ed screamed, launching himself at Lin, who dove out of the way.

"Hey, that's no way to treat a friend like me!" he complained. "Oh, and before I forget, here's the bill for the room service." He said, and handed Ed a long sheet of paper. After glancing at it, Ed's face went pale.

"H-how the hell do you eat all this?!?"

"Well, I am a growing boy." Lin pointed out. "Unlike you."

"GAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"

"Brother!"

Mustang calmly watched the scene of Ed attacking Lin while Al tried unsuccessfully to stop him, and then shrugged.

"Anyone who can eat like that can join us."

"No fair!" Ed whined, pulling Lin into a headlock.

"WOULD YOU KEEP IT DOWN OVER THERE?!?" a voice screamed from the room next door. Something heavy thudded against the wall, and a door slammed. Ed and Al went suddenly quiet, and they both looked scared out of their minds.

It wasn't long before the door to their room was ripped off its hinges, and a very angry Izumi Curtis entered the room, followed by her husband.

"I'm trying to sleep, you fools!" Izumi yelled, throwing the door at Ed, who lunged out of the way.

"S-s-sensei! W-we're sorry! We'll be quiet, we promise!" Ed stuttered, while Al nodded furiously.

Izumi loomed in, her eyes glinting. "What the hell are you two doing over here anyway!?"

"It's Ed's fault!" Al cried.

"You liar!"

"You're the one fighting with Lin!"

"SHUT UP!"

They both went silent, shivering.

Their teacher put her hands on her hips. "If I hear one more noise from over here, I'll make you regret it!" she hissed. The boys nodded again.

Mustang, who had observed the scene with mild surprise, turned to Sig Curtis. "Say, you wouldn't want to join myself and several others in contest to see who can lose the most weight, would you?"

Everyone turned to Mustang in silence. Sig just gave him a confused look.

"What's this you're talking about?" Izumi asked, annoyed.

Mustang explained his reason for visiting the Elric brothers in the first place, and as he did, Izumi's eyes lit up.

"Sure, why not? Go ahead and do it, Sig!" she said cheerfully.

Sig gave his wife a gloomy look. "But-"

"It'll be good for you! I'll be rooting for you, honey!"

When Sig raised no more objections Mustang, nodded and smiled. "Well then, it seems as though this trip of mine was a good one! Two more members."

"Count me in too."

Everyone turned around to see Hohenheim poking his head into the room, pushing up his glasses.

"Er… where did you come from?" Mustang asked.

"I'll be going then." Ignoring him completely, Hohenheim continued on his way to wherever he was headed.

The group assembled in the hall to stare after him, and even Ed was silent.

"That was… weird." Izumi said, sounding thoughtful.

"Yeah…" Lin agreed, nodding. "So anyway, anyone want to buy me dessert?"

"Go to hell!" Ed screamed, pushing Lin out into the hallway. "Everyone, get out! I've had enough of this weirdness!"

It didn't take the other's long to evacuate the room once Ed began throwing any object he could get his hands on at them until the left, and as Mustang sprinted down the hallway, dodging a flying coffee mug, he couldn't help but give a smug smile.

He continued his way back to his office in high spirits, ready to invite the next party.

* * *

**-Central City-**

**-Homunculus Lair-**

"Mustang is doing what?!?"

The Homunculus had gathered together on King Bradley's call, expecting some serious news. But what the president had to say was not exactly what they had been expecting.

"Weight Watchers, he called it." Bradley answered Envy calmly. "And he is looking for competition. He has even extended the invitation to us."

"That's crazy! What does this have to do with anything? Especially us?" Envy asked, rather annoyed by this topic. His weight wasn't something he usually liked to talk about.

"Well, things have been pretty serious lately. A silly thing like this might be good for all of us." Lust pointed out.

"Is there a prize for winning?" Greed asked, grinning.

"Yes." Bradley answered. "Whoever participates is to put in money each week, and at the conclusion of twelve weeks, whoever loses the most percentage of their body weight wins everything."

"Then count me in!" Greed yelled, punching the air with his fist.

"Dieting… too much… work…" Sloth muttered to himself, slumped over in a corner.

"Will Lust do it?" Gluttony asked, turning to the only female Homunculus, who just shrugged.

"No, probably not. But you should." She said, patting Gluttony's head.

"I should?" he asked, wiping a bit of drool from the corner of his mouth.

"Gluttony? Dieting? Great, I can't wait to see this!" Envy grinned.

"You're going to do it too, Envy." Lust said with a frown.

"WHAT?!?"

"**You're all idiots**." Pride's voice sounded from the shadows.

"I think you're just jealous because there's no way they'd let you join in, Pride." Greed snickered.

"**Shut your mouth, brat****!**"

"Alright, everyone, calm down. So, I need to know how many of us are doing this, so I can report back to Mustang." Bradley said, waiting for the other six to quiet.

"Looks like it's Greed, Gluttony, and Envy." Lust answered.

Envy jumped up. "Hey! I never agreed to this!"

Lust shrugged. "Really? You don't want the pleasure of being better than the Colonel?"

Envy thought for a moment. "Well… pretending that I'm interested… Who from their side is doing it?"

Bradley answered. "I believe Major Armstrong, 2nd Lt. Breda, and Colonel Mustang will be participating. Ah, and Van Hohenheim, I heard, will as well, along with myself. And apparently, some boy from Xing, a friend of Fullmetal's, and the husband of Fullmetal's teacher will join."

"**Van Hohenheim**? **What's ****he** doing here?"

Ignoring Pride, Envy gave a sigh, then a grin. "Alright, you got me. I'm in."

Bradley chuckled quietly. "Well then, let's show those humans how superior we homunculi are."

* * *

Now then, for the bonus!

This idea originated from a real event that is currently happening at the restaurant where I work. Several of the women are doing their own Weight Watcher's program for twelve weeks. At the end, whoever loses the most gets the money.

I myself am not participating, seeing as I'm already a skinny twig, and losing any more weight might kill me. So instead, myself and the others who aren't doing it are going to be betting no who we think will win.

And, seeing as I'm basing this story off of what happens at work, even **_I_** don't know who is going to win! I'll be basing each character off of someone at work. -grins- Sneaky me. I can already say, though, that you probably shouldn't put your bets on 'Gluttony' or 'Breda'. _I'm_ not. ('Bradley' is looking good though.)

Well, that's it then, bonus ended. I'll be updating soon!

Signing off!

~ Reject Crayon


End file.
